Porn: My Story

I wish that I could say my journey with porn was short.  I wish I could say it was easy to overcome.  I wish I could say it was never an issue.  Interesting thing about porn…its full of regret for everyone that comes into contact with it or is close to someone wrestling with it.EL-LLB-BAG16

My story starts at 10…and will never end.  It will always be with me.  It doesn’t own me, it doesn’t control me.  But it will always be a place of weakness, a chink in my armor, a vulnerability.  And like anything that is fragile my eyes and mind have to be handled with care.

At 10 I saw my first playboy.  As a teenager I use to watch cable that was fuzzed out hoping to see something I wasn’t supposed to.  As a college student the internet and my personal computer (as a kid our computer was in a public place, that always made things interesting) became my gateway.

As a young adult I move out and lived alone for 9 years.  That meant as a young man I had to choose freedom for myself.  It was my responsibility.  But it was a responsibility that I couldn’t learn or master alone…and that remains true to this day.

When Amanda and I became serious it was something I shared with her.  She was the first person I had been romantically involved with that I had shared my struggle with.  My confession was met with a deep sense of grace and acceptance.  It was the final piece to the healing puzzle.

The breaking point for me might have been that I was in ministry, but it wasn’t.  My breaking point came in the form of relationship.  At some point I became aware of something so powerful it stripped porn of its strength.  I was out for a run one day beating myself up inside because I had ‘Given in once again.’  Something changed the moment I heard

“I already paid the price for that.  I died for you to have the chance to not be controlled.  I’ve already forgiven you, forgive yourself.”  

Porn preys on natural desires and perverts something designed to be special.  Like so many others my struggle started with insecurity (not feeling loved).  That was no one persons fault.  It’s a lifelong internal battle.  The loneliness factor that each of us experience fed my need to feel accepted and porn was a momentary outlet.

The problem with porn is that it provides a short term euphoria and sense of hope but leaves us with a long term illusion.

That illusion of care, acceptance and love is short lived and brings us back for more leaving us more empty and alone than we were before.

The freedom factor for me:  The power of porn was eliminated when I realized God wasn’t disappointed in me.  Didn’t hate me for it.  He loves me in-spite of it.  The moment I embraced the truth that no matter what I did I was accepted…and God liked me just how I was…I was on the path to freedom.  The single thought that would surface “Is what I am about to do worth damaging my relationship with Jesus?”  There was never a moment after that I could say yes and move on with what I felt I needed.

If you’re battling for freedom remember this: You are loved, He died for you to have the chance to be free, you have never been loved more than you are right now; and nothing is worth damaging your connection to Jesus.

I hope you find freedom like I have…it will always be there but today it isn’t in control and has no say in how I manage life.  So…it doesn’t have a place in my life anymore.  I found a friend that can always ask how I doing in this area, and he is always available if I find myself struggling with the lie that I need that pic or vid to feel something again.

-Shane